


Ten Fanfics for X

by canadiankazz



Category: L.A. By Night (Web Series), Vampire: The Masquerade – Bloodlines (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Anxiety, Emotional Hurt, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Emotions, Gen, Implied/Referenced Abuse, It's not all angst but there is a lot of angst, Male Friendship, Malkavian (Vampire: The Masquerade), Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Non-Linear Narrative, Past Violence, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Vampires, fanfic anthology
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-13
Updated: 2020-05-28
Packaged: 2021-03-02 00:29:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 9,684
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23626168
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/canadiankazz/pseuds/canadiankazz
Summary: An anthology of ten short, disjointed, non-linear stories about X the Malkavian. Also featuring an extended cast of friends and foes. (And others in-between.)
Comments: 24
Kudos: 31





	1. I. Asylum

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted to write some fanfic for X. In typical, disjointed Malkavian fashion, I couldn't think of a plot for any kind of long fic, so I decided to write lots of little fics for him instead. Please consider each of these ten chapters a different, loosely connected one-shot to make up an anthology of fanfic. 
> 
> These fanfics were written over the course of many, many months, and I’m glad they’re all finally done!
> 
> Thank you to Cravatfiend for her usual proof-reading help. Thanks also to Xander Jeanneret for playing X with dollops of humour, horror and sympathy. This one (and this one, and that one, and all these) are for you, Xander. I hope you enjoy them!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> X is summoned to [The Asylum](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y33hGaEgW7U).

He had been summoned. This was bad. This was worse than his distant memories of ‘go see the principal' bad or ‘wait until your father gets home’ bad.

He could send all the pineapple emojis in the world, -

_Not that anyone notices them anyways._

\- it wouldn't make any difference. He was on his own.

Although he didn’t look like he belonged in the swanky, sweaty nightclub, the bouncer didn’t question X as he came in. The bartender didn’t blink an eye. The intoxicated woman by the bar asked X “Where have you been all my life?” 

X shrugged and giggled nervously in response. “Oh, you know… around.”

He knew the way to her -

 _The Baron’s Office, don’t forget the capital letters_.

\- office. He had been here many times before. Too many. X headed that way, avoiding the dance floor and the crush of bodies on it. He could feel the music vibrating through the floorboards.

X wrung his hands as he rode in the private elevator. If he had a pulse, it would have been sprinting like a rabbit. He didn’t even know what _she_ wanted to talk to him about. Not really. He had a hunch, though, it was about the Valley coterie. 

_Except not all of them called the Valley home._

_The Coterie of Victor?_

_No. Only Victor would like that name._

He had been asked to spy on them. “Spy” seemed like such a dirty word. Watch them, maybe? He had to report back to _her_ , in any case. Maybe that’s why he was here tonight. It certainly wasn’t to party.

_I wish I could have a party. No one throws a party for me. All the parties are for someone else._

The elevator stopped and the doors opened. X tiptoed out into the plush little hall with its little side table and closed door at the far end. He paused at that door, listening as hard as he could without asking the Beast for help. Sometimes, if you were lucky, you could hear the sisters arguing. Tonight was not one of those nights. 

X swallowed hard, his mouth dry. He tugged on the hem of his vest nervously. He knocked, quickly and lightly, three times.

“Coooome innnnn,” a female voice called from the other side.

X blinked. It didn’t sound like Baron Therese. Well it _did_ , but it _didn’t_. It sounded more like…

He opened the door a crack and peeked in.

He could see a lady in a shirt with a low collar and a high hem adjusting her blonde hair in a cracked vanity mirror. She tightened her pigtails and turned to glance at the door.

“Well, come in! Don’t be shy!” she teased.

X pushed the door open and stepped inside. He took a step or two forward, not wanting to get too far into the room. “H-hello, um…”

_It’s the sister. It’s Jeanette. It’s not Therese. Thank God. Thank someone._

_Isn’t she just as bad in her own ways?_

_Hush. She’s not who we’re here to see._

“Hello,” Jeanette Voerman purred, stepping closer to X. “Aw, little lost lamb. What can I do for you this evening?”

“I’m um… I was summoned by Baron Therese,” X wasn’t sure if he should look at her face or the floor. He settled for one, then the other, then back again. “S-she wanted to see me?”

“Ah. Well. She’s not here at the moment.” Jeanette sounded slightly miffed.

Miffing was the last thing X wanted to do right now. “I can come back later?” he offered hopefully. An opportunity to leave was blooming in front of him, like a beautiful flower of hope. 

_She can’t get mad. She called, I came, she wasn’t here. Not my fault!_

_Pineapple. Smiley face._

Jeanette’s teeth pulled on her red-painted lower lip. X saw the point of a fang.

“Sure, I guess. Whatever. _I_ certainly don’t need you. You don’t really look… my type.”

X chuckled nervously, then clenched his jaw to shut up. “I’ll just uh… I’ll come back another time, then.” He backed towards the door, reaching blindly behind him for the handle.

“Careful out there, little lamb,” Jeanette said as he opened the door. “Lots of wolves out and about tonight.” She giggled.

“Ah ha! Yes! Thank you,” X bowed his way out and closed the door firmly behind him. He didn’t let himself relax in relief though, not just yet. Therese could come back any minute. He speed walked to the elevator and pressed the button several more times than was necessary for the doors to open. He hopped inside and rode it to freedom.

X didn’t let himself relax until he was back on the beach, under the pier. He sunk down onto the sand and put his face in his hands with an emotional sigh.


	2. II. Bird

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> X comes across a creature in need.

X walked along the path that curved through the park. He was hunting. Sometimes the homeless camped here, desperate to find some small amount of peace to get a few hours of sleep. X didn’t want to take much tonight, -

_just a little... just a little..._

\- just enough to take the edge off. He wanted to be careful, to keep on top of it. He didn’t like to frenzy. No Kindred he knew did. X had worked very, very hard on not becoming a monster. 

There was a clatter and a clinking from the path up ahead. It was sharp over the sounds of the night insects and distant low rumble of night time traffic. There was no one else around right now. No humans, no Kindred. The clinking was a sound of tiny panic. It caught X’s attention. 

_Tiny but huge_. 

Some small creature was fighting for its life. X hated the sound, and he hated that some deep, beasty, fangy part of him loved that sound. He had always wanted to help, wanted to please, wanted to do good.

_Can’t cover up some messes, X. Some teacups can’t be fixed._

_Sometimes, you think you’ve fixed it and it falls apart again later._

_Sometimes, a Baron with expensive glue has to fix it for you, and then you OWE them._

He found the source of the noise by a garbage bin. A bird had gotten its head stuck in the opening of a glass bottle. It was trying to pull back, to fly away, but the bottle was heavy. It both choked the bird and weighed it down. It flopped on the ground, making the bottle clatter, running out of energy, dying.

X approached. It was a black and white bird with blue on its wings. He could see a yellow beak through the glass. It started to panic again, fluttering helplessly at the giant predator.

“Hey, hey it’s okay. It’s okay um, hold on!” X stooped. He knew animals hated the Beast, but he had to try. He caught the bird, trying to hold it carefully. It chirped and squeaked, the sounds echoing in its tiny glass prison. 

_What are you doing? Poor daytime creature…_

_Stay out too late, past your bedtime, and the monsters come out._

_Monsters like me?_

“Shh shh, it’s alright! It’s okay, hold on…” X took the bottle in one hand and gently pulled to try to free the bird. The bird struggled and fought and generally made things difficult. It didn’t _understand._

_Don’t kill it. Don’t kill it. Don’t… kill it. Don’t…_

X twisted and pulled.

The bottle slid free.

For a second, the bird -

_What are you? A magpie?_

\- blinked at X. He could feel its tiny heart beating under the fingers of his left hand.

His Beast stirred with a curious growl.

The bird burst away in a frenzy of flapping. X flinched back, protecting his face from wings and small claws.

And then it was gone, headed for the trees.

X watched it go for a moment, then threw the glass bottle into the bin hard enough to shatter it. He felt angry, and confused about his anger.

_But the teacup, the bird, didn’t break this time. Why?_

_I’m just hungry. That’s all. You get cranky when you’re hungry._

_I do not!_

_Hush, you._

X shoved his hands deep into his pockets and continued on through the park.


	3. III. Moonwalk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> X is repaid for a boon to a friend.

It was moonwalk lesson time, and X was excited. He was to meet Jasper at the Maharani. It was a Monday night. The club was closed.

_But the dance floor is still open!_

Victor’s security let X in. They had been told ahead of time he was coming. It made X feel special, -

_to be included, to be accepted, for them to not have ulterior motives..._

\- to be nodded at by the well-dressed security.

Jasper was leaning against one of the bars by the dance floor. The lack of people here meant that he didn’t have to hide.

 _Not that he HAS to hide. He just… wants to all the time_.

_Can’t blame him, but..._

“Hi Jasper!” X beamed as he approached.

Jasper smirked and stood up out of his slouch. “Hello X.”

“I have my dancing shoes on!” X pointed excitedly at his feet.

Jasper glanced down. “Those are… the same shoes you always wear.”

“Yeah. They’re super versatile,” X snickered and gave Jasper a mock bow. “So, dance sensei, show me your secret ways.”

To X’s surprise, Jasper handed him his phone. “Here.” On the screen was a five minute long Youtube video paused two seconds in. The title of the video was _HOW TO: LEARN TO MOONWALK_.

X frowned. “What’s this?”

“A video tutorial on how to moonwalk.”

“But… but I thought _you_ were going to teach me,” X whined, disappointed.

Jasper rolled his eyes. “X, I don’t know _how_ to moonwalk, not really, not properly,” he said, trying to be patient. “All that at the Succubus Club was… it was what Victoria Ash _made_ me do. So if you want me to teach you how to moonwalk, watch this video.”

X regarded his Nosferatu friend doubtfully. Jasper’s face was hard and serious, but it softened a little as X pouted. 

Jasper was about to say something when a chuckle from above drew X and Jasper’s attention upwards. Victor Temple -

_The Undisputed Baron, never ever forget_

\- was watching them from the railing of the VIP lounge. The Baron was leaning against the shiny railing, a smirk on his face.

X gave Victor a little bow and a wave. “Hello your Baron-ship! Jasper’s going to teach me how to moonwalk,” he called.

X could hear Jasper growl. He tried to ignore it, but the sound made something inside him shiver with fear.

_Jasper’s my friend. He won’t hurt me._

_He’d never._

_Right?_

_Right._

_Unless he got super hungry. Then we’re all fair game._

_Fair enough._

Victor chuckled and waved. He must have seen the glare on Jasper’s face and, for once, decided not to push the Nosferatu’s patience. “I’ll leave you two to it. Have fun!”

“We will!” X hollered.

Victor stepped back and headed for his office.

X regarded Jasper again, his friendly ‘please the Baron’ smile fading. “But really, Jasper, a Youtube video?” He indicated the phone, still in his hands. He pleaded with his eyes. “I never get to see you anymore,” -

_because SHE keeps me busy, keeps me away, keeps me afraid and uncertain…_

\- “and I was _really_ looking forward to this…”

“I do… want to teach you,” Jasper sighed with another growl. His tone softened a little, though it was an obvious effort. “But I can’t, not without this. I’m not going back on our deal, but this is the best I’ve got. Take it or leave it.”

“Well… okay,” X sighed. “Will you watch it with me? Maybe you can learn too!”

The smallest of smiles appeared on Jasper’s hideous face as he indulged his friend. “Sure.”

X beamed and hit play on the video, making sure Jasper could watch it over his shoulder.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Now you can also learn how to moonwalk!](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eYT48mu-TIc)


	4. IV. Regret

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> X goes for a walk under the Pacific Ocean.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Thank you to Alex Ward for the idea for this fanfic.](https://clips.twitch.tv/ThankfulPreciousEndiveLitFam)

_Go on, X._

_No! I don’t want to._

_Go on. Make sure he’s still there._

_Why? What if he’s been eaten by a shark or something?_

_Go check._

_But…_

_Do it._

X glanced around up and down the beach, making sure he was alone on the shore. He was. It was late and this place was isolated. He took off his vest and left it on the sand with his shoes before stepping into the water. The Pacific was freezing cold. It was the middle of winter. No one in their right mind -

_HAHAHAHA!_

\- would be swimming here at night. He would have shivered and yelped had he been alive. As it was, he just ground his molars together. It was more out of anxiety than the cold.

He didn’t need to take a deep breath before his head went under water. He blinked his eyes, making them focus -

_Heightened senses, activate!_

\- and activating Auspex. It helped him see through the black ocean around him. X continued walking, heading deep out into the water.

As he walked, the memories came. This wasn’t the first time he had made this trip. 

_What the fuck did you do?_

_I’m sorry!_

_Why did you do it?_

_I was lonely! I just wanted someone to understand what I’m going through!_

Ocean silt and sediment was kicked up around X’s feet as he walked along the ocean floor.

_You did bad, X. Broken teacup._

_Pineapples and smiley faces._

_But what if he’s not there? What if he’s gone?_

A school of fish swam overhead.

_What if he’s angry?_

_Of course he’s angry, idiot! How would YOU feel if someone embraced you, then staked you and chained you out in the ocean?_

_I’d be terrified._

_I am terrified._

A large, dark shape swam past. X tried to see what it was, -

_Shark, dolphin, seal? Wait… was that real?_

\- but it disappeared into the murk. He hurried onward, half running, half swimming.

_Did I do this? Or did it happen to me?_

_Did someone do this to me?_

_Don’t get_

_C o n f u s e d._

_You did this._

_You’re a monster._

_I’m a_

_M o n s t e r._

There. There it -

_my ghost, my demon, my mistake…_

_My_

_C h i l d e_

\- was. There he was. X could just make him out. The water was deep here, deep enough that the sun couldn't reach. His skin was swollen. His eyes we open. The stake was still impaled through his chest. His mouth was open in a silent -

_angry, terrified, oh crap! What did I do?_

\- scream. His hair and clothes drifted around his face and body on the current.

_I’m sorry._

_Too late for that._

_Okay, I saw him. He’s there. Can I go now? Please?_

X stood there, half hidden behind a boulder at the bottom of the ocean, staring at the Kindred in torpor before him. X became aware of blood in the water. His eyes stung. He was crying. He could feel that his mind was

s l i p p i n g 

again like…

… ice cream off a tilted cone…

_I was an unwanted child._

_I am an unwanted childe._

_I was so lonely._

_S o a l o n e…_

_Still alone..._

_One night he’ll understand, right? RIGHT?_

_I..._

_Please let me go..._

X stood there for a moment that felt like an hour. His hands shook and his throat felt tight.

_Okay. You may go_.

X turned and swam as hard as he could back the way he had come, back towards the shore and land and California and Santa Monica. He wanted to close his eyes, but the image of the staked Kindred, there by his own hands, was burned into his brain and branded onto his soul.

_I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry!_


	5. V. Hungry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set after the Season 3 Epilogues, but before Season 4. Contains spoilers.

No Kindred likes to wake up hungry. No Kindred who X knows, anyway, and he knows a fair few Kindred.

He is hungry. X’s Beast squirms and growls inside him. He imagines it like something long, with sharp teeth. A weasel? Or a rat? Or…

an eel?

He is dreaming of the Pacific Ocean, the oppressing black saltwater and the pain of a stake through his chest. He had been abandoned down there a long, long time ago. Years have passed since he had last seen the sun or felt dry land. He wishes he can just die and get it over with. Hell is not fire. Hell is the ocean.

But X is not currently down below, deep under the sea. A sigh escapes as he opens his eyes. Some long ago, almost but not quite forgotten, human instinct for a breath. The first thing X sees is the blanket he had pulled over his face and body before sleeping. Although the room is as light-tight as he can make it, this is an extra attempt to keep the light off him. To an outside observer, it seems unnecessary, but in some tiny part in the back of X’s mind, it helps. X takes a moment, relishing how _dry_ he feels, how much the weight of the ocean is _not_ pressing down on him. Then he pulls the blanket off his face. It reveals the blank ceiling of the little shelter he shares with -

_my ghoul_

\- Chloe. His Beast is immediately whispering to him.

_Who will you hunt tonight, X? What sleeping beauty will we sample? You useless excuse for a Kindred..._

X turns his head and sees - 

_my ghoul. Didn’t want to do it, but I would have been in trouble if she died..._

\- Chloe. She is currently asleep, curled on her side on the uncomfortable camp bed she had brought here from the abandoned church X and Annabelle had found her at. Her sleeping bag is open and peeled back. The California night is warm. Her red hair - 

_it’s so beautiful… she’s not my type but…_

\- is tangled. She had tossed and turned in her sleep, or in her attempts to get to sleep. Her dreams have been messy ever since X had given her his blood.

She looks good.

She looks too good.

Her neck is exposed, pale and long. X thinks he can imagine her blood pumping. He stares at her throat, at her hand by her sleeping face. Her wrist is upturned and inviting. Her veins are blueish under her white shin.

_Do it._

X’s Beast is strong, strict, feminine and dominating.

_What? No, I…_

_She’s asleep. You like it when they’re asleep._

_I do, but…_

_She’s ours. Jasper gave her up. Eva gave her up. They didn’t want her. That’s what Chloe said. She’s ours now._

_I don’t think she was telling the truth._

_It doesn’t matter. She’s ours now. Do it._

_I don’t want to…_

_Yes, you do._

X sighs and stands up. He crosses the small room to the sleeping woman. He hesitates, wringing his hands close to his mouth. He can feel his fangs poking into his lower lip. The hunger hurts. He can feel it in his throat, in his chest...

_I can see why Jasper liked her._

“Hey… Chloe?” X says out loud. 

Chloe stirs and sighs in her sleep. “Mmm?”

“Hey, um… wake up, please?”

Chloe opens her eyes. His desire to feed from her weakens… a little.

“Oh hey…” she yawns. Such a human thing. “What’s up?”

“Oh, um… nothing just… I’m going to go out for a bit, but I’ll be back, and then we can get back to work.”

Chloe’s brow furrows in irritation. “You could have left a note,” she sighs. She is tired. She never sleeps well.

X laughs, awkward. “Oh, yeah! Didn’t think of that, sorry. Um… I’ll be back. Sorry.” She is still tempting. Too tempting.

_Don’t do it, don’t do it, don’t do it..._

“Okay… see you soon.” Chloe yawns again and rolls onto her side in the camp bed. X blinks at her. It’s as if she doesn’t know, or doesn’t care, that she’s in any kind of danger.

X backs away quickly and heads out the front door. If Chloe thinks X’s behavior is at all odd, she didn’t say anything. X closes the door tightly behind him. After a little hesitation, -

_Got to protect her from… well, everyone. Almost everyone._

\- he locks it too. Chloe might act like they’re not in any danger, but X knows better. He checks up and down and side to side with Auspex. No one around. Good. They have lived here in secret for the past few nights. X has a plan to move into a much nicer place soon, but they won’t get to if he messes things up. If he’s careless, then they both die. The responsibility is pressing on him. It doesn’t hep that Chloe can be… careless. It makes X wonder how she’s survived this long. He makes a mental note to call Victor Temple later tonight.

But first, food.

X crosses the road and heads for the slums.


	6. Vl. Interview

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Therese Voerman has questions. X has answers.
> 
> Takes place post Season 2 Episode 1.

X is on his knees. The room is cold and dark. The floor is hard and uncomfortable. He is scared. He feels vulnerable. Therese Voerman is pacing around him in a predatory circle. Her heels _clack-clack-clack_ in rhythm. He’s just come back from a visit to the Valley. Annabelle sent him a message, asking for a solid.

“Babysit the coterie for me? Please?” she said, with lots of winky faces.

He had agreed, but not only because of Annabelle. He had also agreed because Therese had wanted him to go. He might have said ‘no’ to Annabelle, but saying ‘no’ to Therese was an impossibility.

And now he’s back. Back in front of Baron Voerman. Back to answer her questions.

“Now, X…”

_Maybe it’s going to be okay? It’s okay… it’s fine…_

“You’re going to tell me _everything_ about your little visit to the Valley.”

Her voice is not sweet. It is not honey. It is smooth though. Smooth as arsenic.

_Is arsenic smooth?_

“Yeah, o-okay, um, but… um…” X stutters. He can’t make his words work. “B-but why do you want to know so much about them in particular?”

“Because they are doing things that interest my business,” she snaps. Her voice is elastic and it stings. “It is not for you to know _why_ , X, just for you to _tell me what I want to know_.” She strikes and grabs a fist full of his hair. X whimpers. She brings her lips to his ear. “What is Victor Temple up to?”

“H-he’s going to open a new club!” X blurts out.

Therese scoffs and pushes X away. He rubs his scalp where she pulled his hair. “Everyone knows that! Tell me something I don’t know, X.”

“I tried to tell him that you wanted to build another Asylum…” he starts, but his words stop at her dangerous glare. X’s mind races.

_Something she doesn’t know…_

“Um, Jasper put people in cages.”

_I don’t like knowing that. Jasper’s my friend._

“Why?”

“He didn’t say.”

Therese scoffs and rolls her eyes. “You are _useless_ , X.”

“N-no! I’m good,” he begs. He’s afraid she’ll hurt him again if he isn’t good.

_hurt me with her hands and her M I N D she is always T O R M E N T I N G me_

“I t-think… I think it’s because he um... “

_No! Jasper’s my friend! Don’t say something that could get him in trouble!_

_He lives in a labyrinth? What? Like with David Bowie?_

“He works for Abrams,” X says out loud. “I think… it’s because of them.”

“Hmm. What else?” Therese demands.

“There are werewolves in Griffith Park.”

“That doesn’t surprise me.” Therese paces behind him. Her heels _clack-clack-clack_ on the hard floor. He glances up at her and she waves a dismissive hand for him to move on to the next thing.

“Um…” X’s mouth is dry. He swallows on nothing. “We went to the park, to meet with Eva. The White Witch. Victor’s usual driver has gone away.”

“His usual driver?”

“Y-yeah. Ib. She um… I think she’s a ghoul. I thought she was Victor’s, but apparently not.”

“Hmm…” Therese considers this. X is very still -

_frightened rabbit hiding from the vixen_

\- as she decides if this is useful news or not. 

_but the vixen already knows where I am_

“Victor said she went to Chicago,” he continues. “I thought that was bullshit because, I mean… she’s been working for him for so _long_ and he didn’t seem happy that she was gone…”

Whatever Therese is thinking about and any conclusions she makes based on this information, she does not say to X. “Very well. What did they want with the White Witch?”

“With Eva? Um… they, um… oh! Nelli’s got ghosts!”

Therese arches an eyebrow. “Ghosts?”

“Y-yeah. Um… her ancestors were the Griffiths, I think, like _the_ Griffiths, and um, t-they took some land a long time ago that didn’t belong to them, I think? Or was it that they had land taken from them? Um… a-and there are ghosts who are angry with her…”

Therese’s eyes narrow behind her glasses.

_Odd how she wears them but Jeanette doesn’t._

“And there’s some kind of treasure that the ghosts want, maybe? Or was it land? Or something… Um, but Eva can see the ghosts and she talks to them so… they went to ask her about it. I offered to drive them, but Victor said ‘no’ and-”

Therese cuts X off with a slap. “These ghosts. Tell me about them.”

X blinks in pain, his cheek stinging. He wants to -

_Curl up and cry_

_K i l l h e r_

\- run away, but he can’t. He has nowhere to go.

“They’re N-nelli’s ancestors,” he repeats, trying to stop his voice from shaking. “Some kind of evil uncle and a woman, Petronella. I think Nelli was named after her. They owned land up in the hills and it was taken from them. They want Nelli to do something about it. T-that’s all I know!”

_It’s all I remember, anyways._

“Mm. Tell me about the White Witch.”

“She’s very nice. She’s a Tremere. She’s all white. She um… she can fly…” 

“Ugh. Tremere shit,” Therese mutters, more to herself than to X.

X sniffles. “Jasper seems to like her…”

“What do you mean?”

“Like… he _likes_ her. He protected her when the ghosts got angry and started attacking…”

“Hmm. The ghosts were violent?”

“Oh, _yeah!_ Yeah, they possessed Victor’s new driver and made him shoot Nelli. I ended up having to drive them back to the club.”

“And then what?”

X can tell that Therese is getting bored. That either means

_soon this will be over._

Or

_she might hurt me again._

“A-and then…”

_Nelli healed her gunshot wound. She and X borrowed a security guard each to feed from. X put his to sleep and it was a nice, calm feeding experience, but Nelli…_

_… Nelli killed hers._

_And why?_

_And what did Victor do about it?_

_Bad bad bad don’t tell don’t tell don’t tell_

“T-then… we went back to the club and… and the um, one of the ghosts, Petronella, she came and spoke to us, about the property in the hills. The Hacienda. They’re going to look into it. Um…” X’s thoughts dance. He tries to remember something else to mention to his Baron looming over him. Anything but what had happened in Victor’s office after their meeting with Eva. “Oh, also Eva had some news for us as well, about the Prince.”

Therese is suddenly close again, her face only a few inches away from X. She is looking at him over the rim of her glasses and he cringes under her gaze. He’s hit some kind of jackpot. Information about the Prince is what she’s really interested in. “What about the Prince?”

“H-he um… He’s taken Bel-Air and Beverly Hills. All the rich places.“

“Vannevar Thomas is in Beverly Hills?”

X nods quickly. “That’s what she said!” He bites his lip.

“Good boy. _That_ is useful.” Therese pinches X’s chin. Her fingernails are sharp.

“A-and there’s some Tremere Kindred who want to move to the Valley, out of San Diego.”

“Oh?”

_Her eyes are looking into my soul oh God oh no make it stop please leave me alone!_

“Y-yeah, b-because, you know how the Baron of San Diego’s gone so… they don’t feel safe and they’re moving to the Valley…”

_Why does this interest her so much?_

“They’re called the Wyrd Sisters. With a ‘Y,’ and um…”

“And they are going to have to come through Santa Monica to get to the Valley,” Therese says. She is smirking.

X blinks. Therese is still holding his chin. “Y-yeah… I guess so?”

“That is _very_ interesting. Hmm…” She lets X go and gives him another little slap on the cheek. This one is almost playful. X finches, fearing another hard blow will follow, but instead he can hear the Baron’s heels _clack-clack-clack_ as she resumes her pacing around him. “Is that all?”

_No. There’s so much more…_

“Yes ma’am,” X mumbles. His eyes are downcast.

“Very well.” Therese checks her watch and _tisks_ like a teacher scolding a late student. “It’s time for my next appointment. You are dismissed.”

X gets up to his feet, stumbling as he hurries out of the room. He feels horrible and rotten. Trying to pretend he’s a spy is all good fun and games, but -

_I’m just fooling myself._

\- this isn’t fun any more. It never really was any fun to begin with.

As he makes his quick exit, X is suddenly struck by a vivid vision. He stumbles and leans against the wall as the images flash in his mind, behind his eyes. He sees Jasper, and Jasper is in great, great danger. There’s a fire that turns into a large, red rose. A white woman smiles at the Nosferatu. And then there are shadows. The shadows are moving around Jasper, around and through him. He deems to be dancing with them at first, but then the shadows strike at him violently. There’s the scent of Vitae. Jasper growls and snarls and tries to fight back, but he cannot fight it alone and he falls…

X blinks blood from his eyes. What does it mean? Is Jasper in danger?

He gets out his phone -

_gotta warn him_

\- to text Jasper. His thumbs start to type but… the words don’t want to come. Jasper is always in danger. They all are. What does the vision even mean? Shadows? Fire? A White Woman?

It doesn’t make sense. None of it does. 

X rubs his eyes and puts his phone away.


	7. VII. :)  :)  :)  :)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Takes place during the end of Season 3 and all the way through into Season 4. Contains spoilers. 
> 
> This is an experimental chapter told from the POV of X’s phone as he texts Jasper over the course of several months.

Sat, 20 Jul, 1:35 AM

Hey Jasper. :)  
You still alive?

No.  
Are you?

No!  
R U OK?  
Victor said you were in trouble :(

I was in trouble, but I’ll be ok.

Good! :)  
I wanted to help but I can’t.  
Sorry. :( :( :( :(

That’s ok, X.

Mon, 5 Aug, 11:40 PM

Heard there’s a truce? WTF?

Yeah. For now.

OMG  
Cool! :)

How’d you know?

I know things.  
I see things.  
I hear things.  
You know…  
:)

Fair enough.

I miss when we hung out, watching TV and stuff.

Me too.

We never finished our Star Trek marathon.

I’ve been… busy. Sorry, X.

Yeah it’s ok!  
I’m busy too!  
So busy…  
Like, you don’t even know.

You be careful. I’d be sad if you died.  
Again.

lol Jasper you’re so funny! :)

No, X, I was being honest.  
I’d be sad if you died.

Thanks.  
I’m glad you’re not forever dead.

Me too.

Fri, 13 Sept, 10:00 PM

Hey...

Hi.  
What’s up?

Never mind.  
Sorry.  
:) :) :) :)

Ok…  
Are you in town?   
I’m free tonight if you want to hang out.

I am, but I’m busy.  
Sorry. I found a thing.

A thing?

Yeah! Nothing to worry about!  
lol

Ok…  
So long as you’re doing ok.

I’m fine and dandy!  
As dandy as… a lion! lol  
Hey, just out of curiosity…  
Do you listen to that Archangel radio show?

No, but I know Victor does, and others do.  
They say it breaks the Masquerade and  
they really want to find whoever’s behind it.  
… why?

No reason!  
:) just curious because it’s a mystery  
And you like mysteries a nd puzzles and… stuff.  
And things. :)

Ok, well no. I don’t know anything about it.

Ok!  
:) :) :) :)

  
  


Thurs, 10 Oct, 3:40 AM

Still alive? ;)

No. You?

Nope!  
Hey, you know that thing?  
That joke about having like,  
friends who would help you bury a body?

I think so?

This:  


Yeah, I know that one.

You are that great friend for me <3 ;)

Thanks. I feel the same about you.

Awwww!!!! Yay.

Wed, 28 Nov, 12:55 AM

Hi Jasper!

Hi X.

Look at this funny video I found!  
It’s a long one, sorry.  
Sorry not sorry. ;)  
<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lEaI-A-6kfQ>

lol thanks

No worries!  
I miss vines. Do you miss vines?

Not really?

Sorry, gtg  
The ‘ol ball and chain wants me lol

The who?

Bye!

Tues. 24 Dec, 11:35 PM

Omg Merry X-Mas!!!

Merry Christmas, X.

Are you on the good list or the naughty list?  
;) ;) ;) ;)

I think we both know which list I’m on.

Yeah. It’s a shame though!  
You keeping safe? Keeping well?  
Happy and healthy?

I’m doing my best.  
Hope you’re ok too.

lol lol lol I’m fine!

Good.

I like X-Mas.  
Do you know why???

Because it has an X in it?

omg are you psychic too?

No, I just guessed.

Omg! lol  
Anyways... I hope Santa leaves lots of  
goodies in your stocking!!!

You too. :)

And say Merry X-Mas to Eva for me!  
;)

I’ll do that.

Wed, 1 Jan, 12:10 AM

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!

Happy New Year

I don’t have anyone to kiss :(  
That’s a lie but still...

Ok…  
Sorry I can't help you with that.

That's okay!

Have a good 2020

You too!  
Keep safe cos… you know…  
Some people still care about you.  
Some people still remember you.  
You’re important.

Thanks. Same to you.  
What’s brought all this on?

Haven’t seen you in a long time.

I know. I’m sorry.  
Been keeping a low profile with the truce and all.

Yeah! Me too! Totally. :)

Thurs, 30 Jan, 2:00 AM

Howdy

What’s up?

Question…

… ok?

Do you know anything about the old Kindred leaving LA?

No. Why?

No reason  
:) :) :) :)

Are you leaving?

No silly!  
I’m not THAT old lol!!!

Good.

Hey, next time there’s some big party,   
do you wanna crash it with me?

Probably not, but you have fun without me, ok?

Ok!   
:) :) :) :)

Sun, 23 Feb, 2:05 AM

OMG OMG OMG  
OMG NELLI!

I know, right?

Are you going to her party?!?!

Yeah, probably.

Cool cool cool!  
C U THERE!  
:) :) :) :)

Great, see you there.  
I’ve got something I want to talk with you about, actually.

What’s that?

It can wait until the party.

lol ok!  
See you there! :)

Yeah, see you there.


	8. VIII. Fortune

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> X and Chloe practice their fortune telling.
> 
> Set during Season 4 and contains spoilers.

“Let’s go over this one more time,” Chloe said.

X nodded. He swallowed. He didn’t have to swallow, but it was out of nervous habit from a long time ago. “Right.”

Chloe shuffled the deck of tarot cards -

_Cheap and flimsy cardboard, anyone who knows how to actually read them is bound to know we’re fake…_

\- in front of her and dealt three of them face up onto the table between herself and X. First, the Fool; a young man dancing merrily towards the edge of a cliff. Then the five of pentacles; lost and lonely souls unable to find shelter or provisions. Finally, the three of swords; a trio of blades all stabbed through a singular, bleeding heart. She looked at the images, but didn’t gain any real meaning from any of them. This was practice. Besides, whichever cards she dealt, they were going to spin the fortune to fit their script.

“Oh, wise fortune teller,” X said, waving his hands as if touching invisible magic coming off of Chloe. He was playing the part of a potential customer for the sake of their practice. “Please tell me my fortune!”

“Ahh…” Chloe sighed theatrically. She tapped one of the cards on the table. “This card means you are about to go on a long journey. And oh! _This_ one means that you will come upon a great fortune.”

“At the end of my long journey or before?” X asked.

Chloe gave him a little glare at the interruption.

“Sorry,” X mumbled, breaking character.

_When she does that, she kind of reminds me of..._

“At the end of it,” Chloe continued. “And this final card means you must leave soon, or else you will miss your chance!”

“Oh dear!” X wailed. “I’ll go pack my bags right away!”

Chloe sighed again, impatient. “You have to take this seriously, X, or it’s not going to work.”

“I am taking it seriously. It’s just... “

“Just what?” Chloe re-shuffled the three cards back into the deck. “If you have any other ideas, I’m listening.”

X gnawed lightly on his lower lip. He didn’t have any other ideas. He wasn’t the ideas guy, or at least, he didn’t think he was -

_Good enough, clever enough, smart enough,_

\- anyway. 

“No. No other ideas,” X said.

“Okay, then we’ll go again. This time, try to question the fortune. Make me convince you that it’s true. Most of the vampires out there aren’t idiots.”

X could hear Chloe, but he wasn’t listening.

_You stupid, foolish little boy. This is never going to work._

“X?”

_I know you think I’ll be one of those who you can convince to leave, but I’m never leaving you, X._

“Hello?”

_You can’t escape me, you foolish boy. I’m in your mind, I’m in your blood. You’ll never escape me._

Chloe snapped her fingers in front of X’s blank eyes. “Hey!”

X blinked and focused on her. His face split into a smile. “Oh, hey!”

Chloe seemed concerned. “I kind of lost you for a minute there.” She put the cards down on the table.

“Lost me? Where did I go?”

Chloe chuckled, her brow still furrowed with worry. “You tell me.”

“Um…” X licked his lips and squirmed in his chair. He felt restless all of a sudden. He wanted to get up, to move, to…

… hunt.

“Can we take a break, just for a few minutes?” X asked. “I want to get some air.”

“Some air? But X… you don’t breathe,” Chloe chided him.

“I’m aware of that!” he snapped.

Chloe blinked, surprised at the outburst.

“It’s… just a saying, you know,” X said, forcing a laugh and trying to keep his tone light. “I’ll um… I’ll be right back.” He quickly got up from the table, wanting to get away before he snapped again.

“Yeah, sure,” Chloe said as X left.

“Just, like, five or ten minutes,” X promised. He was at the door now, his hand on the knob. “You want some McDonalds? I can go get you some McDonalds! A McFlurry? You want a Happy Meal?”

“Those are for kids, X.”

“Well, maybe _I’ll_ get one then. For the toy, you know. See you in ten!” X opened the door.

“Okay… see you.”

X stepped out and closed the door behind him. He speed walked to the elevator and hit the downwards arrow button. He tried to force himself to calm down. It was a strange thing, having a panic attack while you had no pulse to race or breath to hold.

It wasn’t until X left the apartment building and was halfway to the closest McDonalds that he realized he had no money with him. 

_Stupid. Idiot. Foolish boy._

_Shut up!_

_You can’t shut me up. Not forever._

_Leave me alone!_

_I’ll always come back. You can never escape me._

_No…_

_You ran away from Santa Monica, but I’ll find you, X._

_Please…_

_I’ll find you and I’ll make you pay._

_No…_

_I’ll lock you up down under the ocean with the other one you put there and you’ll never escape. You’re not strong enough to escape me!_

_But…_

_Not strong enough or smart enough…_

_SHUT UP!_

X groaned out loud and ducked down an alley. His Beast was like a cobra inside of him, striking at his insides over and over.

_A two-headed cobra. Four fangs and double the danger._

He had to get it to stop, if only for a little while. He kept walking, subconsciously keeping to the shadows, until he found a homeless man who was passed out against a dumpster. The man stank of rot, filth and alcohol. An empty bottle of very cheap vodka had spilled over his lap. The man seemed to neither notice, nor care. He snored loudly in a deep, alcohol-induced slumber.

X knelt down next to him. His face scrunched up at the fumes. Beggars could not be choosers. Bracing himself for the burn of alcoholic blood, X took the man’s wrist and bit into it.

The blood that filled his mouth and flowed down his thirsty throat was warm. It did indeed burn with alcohol. Under that, there was the slow, death-by-a-thousand-cuts bitterness of extreme melancholy. This man had been deliberately trying to drink himself to death for weeks now.

_We could help him with that._

_But…_

_It would be easy. He would simply never wake up._

_But that’s wrong, to kill someone. It's wrong. It's bad._

_Is it though? Is it always wrong?_

X let the man go and swallowed his last mouthful. The Bestial voice in his head had finally gone quiet. The homeless man looked pale.

Maybe too pale.

X poked him in the side.

Nothing. No sound or movement from the man.

X poked him again, harder. "Hey... come on..." he pleaded.

A faint, weak grunt wheezed out of him. Not dead. Not quite. X sighed in relief and rubbed his face.

_That was close._

X got up. He checked up and down the alley for witnesses and, seeing no one, crept out and back to the apartment. He knew Chloe would be disappointed that he didn’t bring McDonalds, but, for the first time in a long time, he didn’t care.


	9. IX. Memories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> X is sharing memories with Jasper. 
> 
> Set right after the Season 4 epilogue "A Thousand Masquerades." Spoilers for the end of Season 4 and the epilogues.

I used to love the beaches of Santa Monica. It was my home. I can feel sand between my toes. My wet clothes cling to me. I don’t shiver in the cold early morning air. I smell like blood and brine and

regret.

I share a memory.

I’m at Baron Nelli G’s debut party. Dress pants! I see Jasper and Eva. Eva is high. Jasper looks happy because he’s with Eva. Eva looks happy because she is high. She is enjoying her final moments. He has no idea. They’re a cute couple. It’s sadly sweet.

Chloe is yelling in my ear about Jasper.

Jasper has let Chloe go, but Chloe still clings tight. The Jasper she loved died many years ago and she hasn’t caught up yet. It’s never a good idea for Kindred to hold onto the people they love, because it gets those people they love into big, big, big trouble.

I share another memory.

I’m with Annabelle on the beach, not too far away from here, reading her future from her golden heart necklace. Something’s going to happen to Elleanore. Who is Elleanore? I don’t know, but she’s important to Annabelle. Annabelle couldn't let go either, and see where it brought her? Nothing but heartbreak and pain and tears, and she’s been keeping such

 _S e c r e t s.._.

Jasper wants my attention. He’s holding his head in his hands, like he has a headache. The ocean crashes behind me. My hair and clothes drip into the sand. We’re alone on the beach.

I was going to wait for a plan. I told them, plain and simple, what I wanted to do. They said “we need a plan.”

Fine. Plan. Then tell me the plan and we’ll do the plan and we’ll 

_K i l l T h e r e s e V o e r m a n_

_Call the hounds! There’s going to be a blood hunt!_

(Should I tell them  
 _they’re_  
the same person?)

Instead we went to a junkyard to save some thin blood who I don’t know and I -

 _killed a dog_

and I wanted to -

_K i l l t h e b a b y_

\- put out the spark of the revolution.

I need her power! Brujah are all strength and power and fury and, trust me, I’m M A D enough for all the Brujahs in California!

But I’m weak. I’m foolish and weak.

_I’m at Medieval Times being handed a jester’s hat. It has bells on it. I can hear people laughing._

_I’m splashing in a fountain with Annabelle and she’s telling me she made someone become blood bound to Ramona._

_Annabelle tells me she’s sorry. She really means it this time. You can tell by her blood tears._

_Annabelle wants to save everyone. “Everyone deserves a home,” she says._

WHAT ABOUT ME? HUH? WHAT ABOUT MY HOME? I’M NOT EVEN HOME IN MY OWN DAMN MIND!

_“I am not in the head space to receive your empty words.”_

I SAID STOP TOUCHING ME! I DON’T WANT TO BE TOUCHED RIGHT NOW!

_Nelli and Victor look worried. They’re pretending to care._

They said they would help me, but…

_“Therese is one of our own.”_

... They’re not. And they’re not going to.

So what if _she’s_ an Anarch? So what if _she’s_ a Baron? So what if _she’s_ “one of our own?”

\- So, so what?

Memories. Is this an easier or a harder way to communicate? I can’t tell. Talking was too hard. Can’t make my words make 

s e n s e

anymore. Everything is too jumbled up. I don’t have enough spoons or points or spell slots to make them make sense. I’m all out of fucks to give.

I share a memory.

I’m in Victor Temple’s office. I’m watching in horror as Nelli, straddled on top of one of Victor’s security, drinks the life out of him. I panic, and try to make it look like a murder, like self-defense. That was stupid, but at least I’m trying! I’m not the ideas guy!

And what punishment did Nelli get?

Nothing. Not a goddamn thing.

There are no punishments for anything any more.

It’s absolute _fucking_ chaos!

So where’s the harm in killing? I can have some diablerie, as a treat. Black veins in my aura. So long as I

_TAKE WHAT I NEED TO KILL HER TO END THE PAIN AND SUFFERING_

Where’s the harm?

Standing near me on the beach, Jasper growls. He knows. He knows the feeling. He’s drunk them dry before. His aura’s as crisscrossed as a train map. His veins are black. He can’t argue. He likes it more than he admits. I can see his Beast. It’s a sneaky, cowering thing. I wonder whose voice it is?

Hey Jasper, ‘ol buddy, ‘ol pal! Mr. Heartwood!

He got offered a big, important Camarilla job and he told them ‘no!’ Ha ha ha!

He was kidnapped and tortured (maybe) and they were going to 

_b u r n h i m_

on the Hollywood Sign as a symbol, as a warning, as a message to everyone... and what happened? Everyone came to save him! Victor and Nelli and Annabelle and Eva and ghouls and brutes! A whole flock of Valkyries died all to save Jasper! Helicopters and spotlights and body bags! Have to save our brother, Jasper! 

_But who came to save me?_

I share a memory.

Frantic, secretive texting. Hoping it’s unnoticed. Can’t use words. Words take too long. Have to use pictures. What if they still see? What if _she_ sees? Have to be secret!

Everything is fine! Except that it’s not. It’s really not.

Someone please help me?

Smiley face. Smiley face. Smiley face. Pineapple. Smiley face.

_The safe word is “pineapple.”_

RULE NUMBER ONE IS DON’T FORGET THE SAFE WORD.

IF THE SAFE WORD IS SAID, THE SESSION IS OVER.

IF THE SAFE WORD IS SAID, HELP COMES.

No one came. I said the safe word. I said it. I said it!

“I know. I’m sorry,” Jasper says out loud, standing beside me on the beach. “I forgot the safe word.” Jasper is starting to cry. He wipes his eyes. Maybe these memories are too much for him?

Well, tough. They’re too much for me, too, and they’re _my_ fucking memories…

… right?

I share a memory, against my will.

Sitting with Jasper on a bench by Griffith College. I had been looking for a gemstone from a vision and had found him instead. My new Nosferatu friend. I offer to see into his future and he declines. The Hollywood Sign is in the background.

Wait… did that really happen?

Is… is that real?

What…?

“X… we need to sleep.” Jasper’s voice is right next to me, but it seems far away.

To sleep, perchance to dream?

But sleeping is when the nightmares come.

I shake my head. I don’t want to go to bed. Just ten more minutes, please?

“Do you know a safe place to go?” he asks.

Jasper needs me? HAHAHAHA WHY? NO ONE NEEDS ME! EVERYONE LEAVES! NO ONE CARES!

But he’s there. He’s Mr. Jump-In-Front-Of-Danger. He denies it, but he’s a carer. Eva’s left so he’s focusing on me.

_If Eva were still here, he’d ignore us too. He’s no better than the rest of them._

_He’s strong. If we ate him, we could have that strength._

_We could. We could. We could._

_Nothing to stop us._

“X?”

I blink and look at him. His pale, gaunt face haloed by his black hood. His phone is in his hand. He smells wet. He looks worried.

“Do you know a place where we can sleep?”

I nod. He’s helping me. He wants to help. Can’t do anything else tonight. Cursed to burn by the sun. 

_Mr. Blue Sky, please tell us why_  
 _You had to hide away for so long? (So long?)  
_ _Where did we go wrong?_

I start walking. Jasper follows. Dawn waits for no man. There’s an apartment, or a sewer, nearby. There’s a haunted house on a hill. There’s a place.

And tomorrow night…

Tomorrow night…

Tomorrow...

… night…


	10. X. Okay?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A possible AU set after the Season 4 Epilogues. Jasper continues to hang out with X even after... everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm hopeful that, despite the World of Darkness setting, eventually X will be okay.
> 
> Also, the inspiration for the show they're watching came from Xander, who was in _Clear Skies_ , a Star Trek RPG.

It was a warm night, but the sea breeze was cool. One might have even called it refreshing. 

X had his window cracked open to let that sea breeze into the otherwise stuffy little apartment where he was currently staying near Santa Monica. He and Jasper were on a sofa, lit by a single lamp and the light from a laptop. They were watching the end of an episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation.

Credits rolled. Theme music played. Time for the next episode. 

Before it could play, however, X leaned over and hit the space bar to pause the video.

Jasper tilted his head at his friend. “You doing okay?”

X sniffed. His eyes were red. He had been crying a while ago. He felt like a dirty, damp towel that was wrung out and tossed into the trash. He picked at a loose thread on the blanket he had pulled over his legs and tucked around his body.

_I don’t need a blanket. I’m cold but I don’t need heat. I’m dead._

_It’s some kind of psychological thing, maybe?_

_That’s all I am. A psychological thing._

“Do you think… Annabelle will forgive me?” X asked out loud. He kept his eyes low, but he was aware of Jasper in his peripheral vision. 

Jasper didn’t answer right away. He had to think about it. X wondered if he'd lie to make him feel better.

“I don’t know,” Jasper eventually rasped quietly.

“I don’t know if I would, if I were her,” X mused, smoothing his blanket. He allowed the texture of it to stimulate his fingertips a little bit. “I mean… what I did was really… _nasty._ ”

Jasper sighed. X chanced a glance at him. His friend didn't know what to say to make things better.

"It was, yeah,” Jasper agreed. “I do think that apologizing to her would be a good idea, if you ever get the chance.”

“Yeah… she’s been gone for a while now, though. Do you think a text would work?” X knew it wouldn’t, but he was a little bit hopeful that Jasper would say ‘yes,’ or would shrug and say ‘sure.’

_That’s the easy way out. Can’t do things the easy way. Everything in this damned existence is hard…_

_It’s called “the World of Darkness” for a reason._

_What is? What’s “The World of Darkness?”_

_… never mind._

Instead, Jasper shook his head. “No, for this, I think face to face is best.”

“Face to face, yeah,” X nodded. He knew it would be the right thing to do, and it wasn’t that he didn’t want to set things right, he just felt like he couldn't. Not right now. “When she gets back, maybe.”

“Annabelle’s still young. She doesn’t have the, um… attitude for long grudges, I think, like a lot of older Kindred do,” Jasper mused.

“She’s very young,” X agreed. “She’s a baby.”

“Yeah.”

“I wanted to kill the baby,” X muttered. His hand flexed, his fingers becoming like claws for a moment. He made a fist, squeezing hard enough that his fingernails bit into his palm. He didn’t quite draw blood, but nearly.

“But you didn’t,” Jasper said.

“N-no… or did I? I can’t...” X shook his head.

_Funny thing is, sometimes I can’t tell what’s real and what isn’t!_

“No, you didn’t,” Jasper assured him.

“Mm. Okay.” X licked his dry lips. He went back to stroking the blanket, back and forth, over and over, like he could rub away all his problems. “I’ve been trying to remember the past few weeks... I only get bits and pieces. I… did I do it?”

“Do what?”

“Did I kill Therese?”

“I don’t know. I wasn’t there. Someone did.”

“Mm.” X swallowed. “Are we _sure_ though? Because it’s all kind of a blur, and some of the things I think I remember… I don’t know if I’m _remembering_ them or if I’m _imagining_ them. Were we… were we under water at some point?”

“Yeah.”

“And there was a hatch…”

Jasper nodded. “Yeah. You um… you needed someone strong to open it.”

“Right, right…” X nodded as well. “That’s why I… why I wanted Annabelle.”

“X… you know we would have helped you, right? If you asked Annabelle or myself… we could have opened it for you.”

“Well, no one came to help me when I asked before, so why would I -” X cut himself off and closed his eyes. His tone was snappish and short. He had sounded a lot like _her_ just then. It was scary and he didn’t like it.

_Maybe I’m just scary now. Maybe that’s just who I am. Scary and crazy and..._

“And I’m sorry about that,” Jasper said, calm and patient. “I’m here for you now though. You…” He paused and licked his fangs, thinking over his words. X ground his molars together, his chest feeling tight.

“You’re important to me,” Jasper continued. “It’s why I’m here. I’m trying to help you.”

X nodded, listening, but keeping his eyes closed. He didn’t trust himself to speak again just yet.

“I don’t know if I’m doing a good job, but… I’m trying, and I’m... I’m trying to improve my skills so I can protect you a little better than I have been.”

X sniffled again. He opened his eyes but kept his gaze down. “I appreciate you being here,” he mumbled to Jasper. His Beast was flaring in his chest and in his mind. His thoughts swam, shark-like, back to unbound, bloody violence. It was easier to think those kinds of -

_dark, primal,_

_b l o o d y_

_violent, unhinged, mad,_

_c r a z y_

\- thoughts lately. X didn’t like it, but he also found himself caring less and less. It seemed like a cliche, but it was true; everything was a lot more simple without pesky things like ethics or morals getting in the way.

_But then they all hate you, and they’ll hunt you like how they hunted Therese, and no one will come to help you because you’ve driven them all away._

_Or killed them._

_Either way, we end up alone._

Jasper’s voice cut through the red and black haze in X’s mind. “Next episode? Or are we done with Star Trek for now?”

X shook his head, trying to clear the haze and the jumbled thoughts of -

_Kill kill kill get more and more and more so no one can HURT US ANYMORE!_

“X?”

X blinked and looked at Jasper. “Mm?”

“You okay?”

X wanted to laugh. He wanted to cry. He wanted to flee. He wanted to close his eyes and sleep forever.

He wanted to forget the world for a little while longer. He wanted to watch TV with his friend.

X nodded, smiling tightly with closed lips. “Mm-hmm! Let’s watch some more!”

Jasper made steady eye contact with him and saw the sadness and anger behind X’s eyes. 

_I just want to be happy and sane, but I can no more do that than Jasper can be handsome._

_Well, some people think Jasper is handsome._

_I hope Eva found whatever it was she was looking for…_

“You sure?” Jasper asked. “I don’t mind if you don’t want to. Whatever you want… I’m here for you.”

“Yeah, no,” X shook his head. “No, it’s good. It’s a good distraction. I’ll… I’m _not_ okay, but I will be okay if I force it, right?”

“We’re all just… doing our best to be okay,” Jasper said. “Doing our best with what we’ve got, right?”

X nodded.

“Okay.” Jasper reached over to the laptop and pressed the space bar to restart the video.

X leaned back against the arm of the sofa and sighed as the next episode of Star Trek began. He was not okay, and he knew that he wouldn’t be for a long time.

_Just keep trying, X. That’s all we can ever do, is try._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading my _Ten Fanfics for X_ anthology. Please leave a comment and/or a kudos if you enjoyed the fic.


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